Well.

Here I am, 10:49 pm on a Saturday night, crying over a dumb ass guy.
I don't know what it is? The fact that he didn't want me, but is now in a relationship? Or that he didn't want a relationship but is in one now???
Yes, I facebook creeped. Now I wish that I didn't. :(

Maybe it was the age difference between us? Idk. UGH. I feel like shit.

This isn't good.... cause that must mean that the guy I've been seeing/hanging out with, I don't like as much as I did?

I have been feeling SOOO depressed lately. I don't know what it is? Being broke all the time, trying to pay bills and shit and not having enough, my mom, brothers and especially my little girl leaving for almost two months. I mean, I love my dad, but summer alone with him is not what I'd envisioned my summer as being, and it's not like I can do anything over the summer since I have to cover for my mom's job. Just sucks.

I wish that I could win the lottery or something.... those people that say money can't buy you happiness are clearly delusional and ridiculous! I'd be the happiest fucking person on earth if it was me that won.. :(

Birthday is a little over a month away.... I just feel like it will be just a wreck. I haven't had a good birthday in a while and I'd love for this one to be good, but I just have no hope left for anything anymore.

FUCK. I wish I didn't facebook creep. :(
Nick and I last hooked up like a few days to a week from when he and her got "in a relationship" with each other on facebook. Which is probably why the last thing he said to me was really fucking not like him and totally assholeish. She's not even that pretty =( and looks old. Blah.

Well I will eventually get over him I guess... maybe this new dude can help. Or I just need to drop him too and not meet anymore dudes at all, since obviously they're not really doing me any good but making me feel like shit!

I think I might still try my diet this summer. Just need to think of a good timeline, get some money, and get skinnyier again. I've really let myself go and feel like shit over it. I can't stand looking at pictures that people take of me and see how awful I look :( Maybe once I look better on the outside, I will feel better on the inside? I'm just disappointed in myself for letting myself go soo freaking badly. I'm at the highest weight I've ever been in my life... I even weighed less when I was pregnant.... which is just horrible.

Well, if I continue, it will be just about how shitty I feel about myself, and how shitty things are so I will stop. Just needed to get this out I guess.

Life as of late

has been pretty good, I must say!

Work has been good! Family stuff has been as good as it can be. Friends are good!
I meet a super cute guy on Friday night (yes, off another site... don't judge.) And I think I finally found one I've hit it off with!!! I really hope I don't jinx this one! He's definitely someone I'd like to get to know more and spend more time with and lead into something bigger =)

If not, there's always the roommate =P
My bff's man had a friend move out here for Law School and stuff, and he lives with him currently. Memorial day weekend, she had a bbq/pool party which was my first time actually meeting him! He was super adorable and sweet! He came up to me like, immediately and introduced himself and struck up a convo!
Well I didn't know what kinda impression I left on him, but I found out yesterday that he liked me, and thinks I'm very pretty, but wouldn't date a girl w/ a kid (I'm sure I can change that :P). But my bff's man kept trying to push his friend on me to date me so he needs a breather... and thankfully my bff's is awesome and was like "You don't have to worry about Kat. She's not desperate. She can get dates lined up for her, ya know. As a matter of fact, she's got one right now!!" (and I actually did have one).

But the roommate is if, and only if, my current crush does not work out! and I really really want it to!! AHH! =) Wish me luck, cross your fingers, send me good vibes, something! Lol I need this! It's been soooo long since I've been in a relationship or been with a guy that's actually relationship worthy!

AND he hasn't tried to sleep with me yet! so GO ME!

I'm backkk

Haven't posted anything in a while.... but hadn't had anything to post really. I've been fine and whatnot the past few weeks. Got finally over the whole Ash and Nick thing. Got back on a couple free dating sites and started talking to this guy. We've been messaging on the site for over a week and texting for a week. Just got back from dinner with him and I have no idea what's going on. We never brought up dating or anything, it was all just good, actual conversation. He took me to dinner tonight and convo was good. For whatever reason I thought we'd do something after dinner, but I guess I was wrong... it was kinda awkward afterwards. I don't even know what kinda vibes there were... if any. Guess I'm bad at picking that up. I said even if nothing comes out of it, he'd be a nice friend to have but I don't even know if he even wants to be friends. I just felt like I wasn't what he expected. Idk. I thought I looked pretty cute, and my little girl was like "Wow mom, you look so so amazing" and it was THE CUTEST THING IN THE WORLD. So that gave me confidence... and now I'm just bummed. Back to my old self, feeling like shit, and feeling like I'll never find a nice good guy for me. I just need to shed some fucking weight before I can even begin feeling good about myself. And for whatever reason, that just doesn't really work for me. I always have such a hard time. I did loose like 5 pounds in the last week and a half... not sure how or what I did, but I hope it continues working.

Aghhhhhhhhh. I'm so annoyed, frustrated, stressed and so much more with so much in my life, it would be SO wonderful to have someone to lessen all that and be there for me. But with the people I seem to meet, it's like that's freaking impossible. I don't know what to do anymore. I can't wait for the summer to start fully for me... my mom and brothers will be away for 2 months... my little girl is going too and I'll miss her like crazy, but I think I'll spend my summer like I did last... all alone and sleeping a lot. It would just be nice to meet someone and spend time with them, so I'm not alone. Or at least make more friends.

I'm hoping my birthday plans actually work out. Not sure if they really will though, if it's anything like my spring break plans. I really hope they go through tho, I need to have at least something to look forward to... and I'm not even sure how much I'm looking forward to that.

I can't type anymore. Feel too shitty, so that's it for now.

Clever blog title.

So, I've been in a basically depressed slum this past weekend. And it's my fault. After that text with Nick where he said he needs a break then we'll see where it goes, I was obviously confused, cause shit, IT WAS JUST SEX. Nothing else. Who wants a break from that?? Well, obviously him.

Friday night I went to a little show with my friend Ashley and her bf Henry. Of course, as always when I'm with them, I felt like the third fucking wheel. Anyways, we went to the show, it was pretty shitty. I was feeling like crap anyways before I went, I didn't want to go, but I wanted to be there for her so I went anyways, and she was paying so hey, why not right? So I get home before 12, and then watched some TV, fooled around on FB, and for whatever reason I decided to text Nick. The conversation is as follows:

Me: " You really confuse me Nick. :|"

Him: "Why"

Me: "Idk. Guess I thought it was going fine with just keeping it casual and only sex, but then you need a break? From sex? Prettygood sex too. Guess I was too needy. Ah sorry for this&texting you so late." (It was like 1 am ha.)

Him: "Its cool im still up. Your a nice girl but im not the type of guy u need to think about. Move on with your life"

Me: "Okay. Whatever. Coulda had something good. Have a nice life Nick."

Now, did I not have the right to be upset over that? Or was I just overreacting? This is coming from a 31 year old man, who's fucking bald, has a beer belly, he is not hot, or sexy, or attractive or whatever, and yet I still liked him and gave him a shot. And to have him tell me to move on with my life as if my life depended on him, that I need him so bad? That's the one thing I HATE being told to, to "move on with my life" Fuck you dude. Move on with your life. WTF do you do? NOTHING. You don't have a real job, you go to MMI to work on bikes, (sure he was in the army and all but that was at least 7 years ago), that's all you basically do and your thirty fucking one.
Here I am, 20 fucking years old, not even 21 yet, juggling a full time job, full time school, full time parenting, and trying to still have a social life. I have no time for anything, and yet I still make time for friends or guys I'm dating, so why is it so hard for guys who are like Nick, to make some time for me? I don't get it.
I've been so stressed lately. It's insane. It was nice to have him (someone) to go to after a long ass day, and just sit on the couch, cuddle and watch tv and just talk. And now I don't have that, so I get pissed and frustrated at work, then that doubles at school and by the time I get home I don't want to talk to anyone or do anything. I just want to lay in bed and watch tv til I fall asleep. Except I can't sleep. I'm running on almost a month of shitty sleep. I don't know what to do about it. Bleh.



I need a break so so so bad. From working, school, life, everything. I wish I could just drive somewhere by myself or a friend(that I have so very few of, but that's a whole 'nother blog post), and just have simple fun. Even if it is for just a day. But guess that's just wishful thinking.

Blah.

I'm just confused as hell. And everything irritates me and annoys me. This is what annoyed me this morning when I got on Facebook. Quote from my basically estranged "best friend": That just annoys me. She's turned so..... un-classy? All she talks about are her boobs (which are not that great by the way, neither is her body... or her face for that matter) and how guys think she's so hot. I'm not trying to bash on her or anything (even tho I basically am) but I'm just annoyed. It's all I ever hear. And I don't see what guys see in her, ( well, she willingly talks about sex and puts out too easily and exhudes sluttyness) but I can't even talk to her anymore. She's such a different person, it's crazy. I know I've changed too, but I feel like my change has been in a good way. My personality is definitely exactly the same as it's been for the past 7 or 8 years that we've known each other. I've just become more mature, and responsible.

"I went to walmart to buy new scrubs, cuz my boobs dont fit in a size small. anyhoot, while there, an Asian man looked toward me and asked (my boobs) how there were doing. how polite of him. i said "we're good!"

What REALLY REALLY pisses me off is how, it's ALWAYS MEE who texts her first or asks to hang out and she ALWAYS gives me total bullshit excuses about how she's busy and this and that, but on FB it's always like "oh had so much fun with so and so" and people write her saying they had fun, or say "let's make plans" and they do, but when it comes to me she's always busy. And this from someone I thought I could ALWAYS depend on, no matter what happened. It's sad. We were inseperable since 7th grade. All the way through high school, and even til most of the first year after. We even had a little mess around my 19th birthday, but we got over that and were still hanging out a lot, and now it's like every 4-6 months, or even longer. Last time I saw her was in January. And before that was like October, and before that it was even longer. It makes me sad. I miss her friendship. I was there for her through a lot of shit, and now I can't even be there for her anymore because she won't let me, basically. We went from knowing EVERYTHING about each other, and I mean EVERYTHING. We shared everything, deep secrets and all, and now we don't even know each other. It's awkward when we talk, even more awkward when we hang out. Anyways, I can't write about this anymore, it's making me sad and upset. I wish I could tell her this. But I don't need any more drama.


So, at school, in the bookstore, there's this guy who works there who's not really conventionally hot or anything, but he is kinda cute, and he's really fun to talk to, so I've been stopping in every now and then to chitchat. Well, on monday, he finally gave me his phone number and I texted him, and either he sucks at texting or just really doesn't want to talk to me... we were talking on monday, and I SWEAR I had told him I had a kid, but I might not have, but I mentioned that I live with my parents still and have a kid and it was like he was thrown off or something. It was kinda awkward. And Idk if it's gonna go anywhere. Hell, I don't even now if he thinks I'm cute or anything anyways, and I'm not making any moves and making a fool of myself, I'm done with that.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I can't wait for school to be done. I REALLY REALLY want to take a semester off. I feel like I REALLY need that. More than anything. I'm so stressed and overwhelmed it's crazy. I need a day to myself, by myself. I just want to cry, listen to music, cry, watch sappy movies, and cry! I need a day to let it all out before I go nuts and have a mental breakdown too early in my life.

Blah.

WOW. Just, wow.

Remember Ash? From a couple blog posts ago? Hot guy, lots of good sex? Stopped talking to me? Yeah, well guess who randomly decides to text me?

Then says" I've been traveling and gone"

Yeah, and your phone randomly stopped working for 3 weeks? Ha. I know I shouldn't text him or talk to him, but hey, he was GREAT in bed, and my other "fuck buddy" became all retarded again and needs a break aparently, so why the hell not? I need some fun in my life, since I'm not doing anything else. And he's hot. So semi-win for me. He can be my new time filler ;)

Anyways. It's my last 2 weeks at my job.... it is SO weird being here. It's really weird knowing I won't be coming in here anymore after a year and a half. I'll definitely miss a few people, and only those few people. At least I know I've made some friends that I can actually call real friends. Well, one person anyways, and you know who you are =) I'll miss working with them everyday, but I know we will carry our friendship past just work! But, I'm off to a new chapter of my life and I hope it goes well. If not, at least my manager has assured me that I can always fall back here if I ever need to, so that makes life a little better knowing I've still got the option and chance for a job back here.

Well, off to rock on to Runaway by Bon Jovi that just came on Pandora. =)

<3

Yikes.

This is real. This is happening. Omgomgomg.

Anyways. =) Things might actually start looking up a bit. Sort of.
I'm really really pissed off at Nick. I let him back into my life, only to have him do the same thing agian... it's like REALLY? Seriously dude? Can't just say "Hey, I don't wanna see you anymore"???? UGH. Freaking a-hole.
And Just texted him, and said "So are we basically done again...?" and he says "Sorry been busy. defin want a break and see what happens." So I say "okay" and delete him again. Fuck me.
I knew I shouldn't have texted him again in the first place. I just thought 2 months of not seeing each other and then seeing me agian would make him want to see me again, but boy was I wrong. I'm not that repulsive? Right? I don't think so..... but too bad I liked him too. I gave him what most guys wish and dream that they could have. No committment, no relationship, no drama, no dates, no golddigging, just sex basically. That's all. And great sex too. He "really didn't want a relationship" and I was like, whatever then I guess, we'll just do this and keep it casual and laid back like that, and he still doesn't want that? Really??? I just don't get it. But I guess I can't do anything about it. It's weird to think he's 31, turning 32 this year, and acts like a 18 year old kid. Blah.

I was talking to my closest and best friend Ashley, and I came to the conclusion that my soul mate is NOT in this country. I think he's in another country, and is like 35. Hah.

Well, the shitty shit definitely outweighed the good stuff, so now I'm in a craptastic mood. >.<