Yikes.

This is real. This is happening. Omgomgomg.

Anyways. =) Things might actually start looking up a bit. Sort of.
I'm really really pissed off at Nick. I let him back into my life, only to have him do the same thing agian... it's like REALLY? Seriously dude? Can't just say "Hey, I don't wanna see you anymore"???? UGH. Freaking a-hole.
And Just texted him, and said "So are we basically done again...?" and he says "Sorry been busy. defin want a break and see what happens." So I say "okay" and delete him again. Fuck me.
I knew I shouldn't have texted him again in the first place. I just thought 2 months of not seeing each other and then seeing me agian would make him want to see me again, but boy was I wrong. I'm not that repulsive? Right? I don't think so..... but too bad I liked him too. I gave him what most guys wish and dream that they could have. No committment, no relationship, no drama, no dates, no golddigging, just sex basically. That's all. And great sex too. He "really didn't want a relationship" and I was like, whatever then I guess, we'll just do this and keep it casual and laid back like that, and he still doesn't want that? Really??? I just don't get it. But I guess I can't do anything about it. It's weird to think he's 31, turning 32 this year, and acts like a 18 year old kid. Blah.

I was talking to my closest and best friend Ashley, and I came to the conclusion that my soul mate is NOT in this country. I think he's in another country, and is like 35. Hah.

Well, the shitty shit definitely outweighed the good stuff, so now I'm in a craptastic mood. >.<

I just don't understand....

men.

Why did I let someone back into my life and why did they come back into it, if they're gonna leave again?

Opportunities

New opportunities are arising for me.... hopefully. I'll be even busier than I am now, but I'm ready for it and ready to take it. It's something that needs too happen and I'm praying with all my might that it does!
I'm sure I'll have some people that will be upset with me, but I gotta do what I gotta do to make my life richer and better as well as my daughter's. So, Thursday at 6:15 pm, things will either change or stay the same. We'll see. I'm pretty stoked tho =D

And I am never ever giving chocolate up for Lent. I'm totally binging on it right now. It's horrible. School needs to end so that I can start my diet.... I need to be bangin' by my birthday!!! LOL.

Oh my goodness.

Finally all moved in... for the most part. Still have to unpack everything and find a spot for it.
I've had a hard time sleeping though-- it might be because it's still a new place for me, so different from my old room. I will miss it. Especially my shower. My shower was the best... seriously.
Right now I'm running on day 5 of no sleep and I am EXHAUSTED.

Went to the art museum last night for my art history class, and it was awesome. I love art. It's incredible, especially seeing some paintings that were done so long ago, and still have an impact on people today. My favorite that I saw last night was "Flowers Italy, 1931" by Joseph Stella. Oh my god. It was gorgeous. Hard to belive it was a painting (oil on canvas, to be exact.)
If you don't agree, you're freaking nuts.










Anyways. Just waiting for this week and weekend to be finished. My mom's got an old friend and her daughter visitng us starting tomorrow til after Easter. So, I'll be busy again. Might drive down to the Grand Canyon on Saturday. I also wanna bake a "Raspberry Truffle Torte" for Easter. Hope it turns out great.
I've got nothing on my mind, so this post was kind of pointless.... but I figured I'd write since it's been a while. Lol =P

Tomorrow....

is that dreadful day. Moving day. Although, I'll be busier with things prior to actually moving.

Bright and early, at 8am, I get to go to the lovely MVD and get a new license since mine expiered, for whatever reason, last month. Then, I have a dermotologist appointment at 9:30, which I'm praying I'll make on time! THEN, I have to go to my college and re-take a reading test and (cross your fingers) test out of the "critical reading" class, and THEN, then finally, I have to deal with all the moving.

But, as annoyed, frustrated, stressed, and emotional I've been the past few weeks leading up to this, I'm SO ready for a new start. I have a gym in walking distance, so that's where I'll spend majority of my evenings (and hopefully will run into a hottie that lives there and fall madly in love.... hey a girl can dream, right? :P ) and the pool is right next to the gym, so what better way to refresh myself from sweating my ass of than taking a nice dip in the pool?

My mom, 2 little brothers, and daughter are going on vacation to Croatia again this year, while my daddy and I are stuck at home and work! Lol. But, I've decided to do HCG as soon as school lets out, and hopefully by my 21st birthday, I'll have a nice(er) body! =) That is in August! EEK. That's one thing I cannot wait for!

This blog will be a big help while I'm going through HCG and working out and stuff. It'll give me motivation. Maybe I'll put up before&after pics! Maybe!

=)

Let's talk about Sex, baby...

Why is it SO good? And why do we need it so much?
Last year, in August, I had a random one-night stand with a guy whose name I can't even remember anymore because I had a dry spell of a year and a half and I was pretty desperate, and he was pretty cute, so it worked.
The whole thing was just, awkward.
I went to his house, he had me choose a movie, so I chose Cop-Out, which we didn't like, so we ended up watching Law Abiding Citizen. I'm a cuddler, totally, so I thought we might cuddle or at least sit right next to each other... yeah no. When the movie finished, he's like "What do you wanna do now? Do you want to go upstairs and make out or...?" and I'm thinking "Uh awkward. Idk? Makeout?!" Lmao, so we go upstairs and make out and one thing leads to another, and leads to the worst first-time-after-a-year-and-a-half. To this day, I seriously think this guy was a virgin. He did not know what he was doing... he even asked if it was in. Of course, I faked it, left, and never called him again.

Since then, I met Alex, and had steady fun for 5 and a half months. Less than a month after Alex was Nick. Right after Nick, it was Ash, and now we're back to Nick cause he's so damn good.

Moving has me stressed up to my fucking eyeballs, so what do I think of to not think of moving? Sex. I texted Nick yesterday and slyly said how badly I needed one of his massages (he's fucking great at that too). I also had one of the top 5 worst headaches of my life last night as well, and school on top of that. Right after class gets out, Nick texts me and tells me I can come over, so I do. We watch tv for a lil, he turns it off and puts on music, and gives me an incredible massage, it was so heaven for 15 minutes. Lol, so I couldn't deny him the goodness of sex after a heavenly massage. :P

I guess he can my my time filler until I find a real boyfriend. Haha.


I need to stop talking about sex. Also, I want to write a book.

Moving.

I am SO sad. I can't even begin to describe how sad I am. I hate that we have to move, and that I have to find another home for my dogs. We already found one for one of the dogs, but I have 2 more boys that need a home, and I can't find one. I wish I could take them with me, they're a part of me now, but unfortunately, certain circumstances make that impossible. I'm so ready to break down and cry. Worst part is, my little girl. She'll be so incredibly devastated to not have the puppies with her. She loves them. And it will break my heart hearing her ask "Where's Rex or Benny or Lily?" =( UGH. God, this is so shitty.

 Rex

Benny

And I am starting to regret texting Nick. I should've just not done it and tried to get over him. Now I re-opened that wound and I'm still wishing we could be together for God knows what reason, and all he wants is sex. If you're 31 years old, do you NOT want a family? A wife and kids? What does a 31 year old man want? Seriously. When we were together, it's not like we were in a relationship anyways. I brought it up ONCE, and he said "I don't want to complicate it with lables. It's going good right now." and then I dropped it. We hung out anywhere from 2 to 5 times a week. Just casual. We'd rent a movie or watch something on tv, talk a little, cuddle, sometimes have sex, and sometimes on weekends, he'd take me out to dinner or we'd go to Legion ( a bar for veterans--- lots of old peeps, he's a vet I guess, and so are some of his friends), we'd hang out with his friends. I wasn't pushing him into anything, or at least I thought I didn't. But then when he stopped talking to me, that was a big OUCH, because I fucking liked him. I didn't and still don't really know why. I wish I could describe how freaking happy I was last week when he texted me back and how quickly my heart crushed when he just said he missed the sex. And when I came over and saw him again, it was so overwhelming and full of mixed emotions, and my heart skipped a beat when he said he missed me and then kissed me. I don't know what to do anymore. =/

The other day, my dad and I went to check out the space in our new apartment, and the guy that helped us, Nick, is pretty cute. He was also the one who helped me and my mom the first time. Then my dad says "He looks nice, you need to find a guy like him and not the guys you've been finding." Thanks dad! I didn't know that myself!

I'm hoping by my birthday, I'll be in better shape. Physically. Mentally, I don't think that's going to happen any time soon unless I go trough some serious therapy, which I know will not happen. As soon as school is out, I'll be starting the HCG diet. In the past 2 years, I gained like 40 fucking pounds. I can't stand it anymore. I want to at least fit into my size 9 jeans again. The size 3-5 will probably never happen again, but to get that small for me, I know will be very unrealistic. Thankfully, the apartment has a nice gym in walking distance, as well as a pool in walking distance, so that's where I'll be spending my whole summer. I just pray to God that I can stick by the diet and prove to my mom that I can do it and I wish she was more supportive of me.


This post is pathetic. Feeling suck. As do guys. And weight. And I want some chocolate. =(

What did I get myself into?

Oh jeeze....

So, a couple posts ago... remember Nick? Yeah, well I'd been thinking about him A LOT lately, and I came to a conclusion that I really missed him... a lot. And then I realized, I liked him a lot more than I originally thought I did... so I got compelled to text him.

So I did. And I honestly did not think that he'd actually reply, and when he did, I was like "OH.EM.GEE!"

It was small talk and what not, til he asked what I was dreading "So why did you text. Didnt think u would want to talk 2 me"
So I say " Kinda missed you. I really liked spending time with you. And I can't hold a grudge. And I pass the old people bar everyday and it makes me think of you. Lol :P"
He says "Haha. I realized that I really didn't want a relationship. I still feel bad about it." and I say " should have just said so." and he says "I know. I'm a dick." and I'm thinking YES YOU AREEEEEEEEEEEE! Lol but write "Yeah, it was kind of a dick move. Can't lie. Hah, but had you said something, I'd have backed off."
Him: "I'm sorry" then I go overboard lol and say "It's okay. It's over now. Just me being a girl, I of course was like "Great, wtf did I do wrong this time." hah cause I thought it was going kinda well and that you kinda liked me then just stopped talking. It sucked. hah."

And the goes "I gotta be honest I do miss the sex."

sdfafakj;lhfdskjghs;ghsgjsjshd;. Frustrating as fuck. I wished that I just fucking SUCKED in bed, lol. But thankfully I'm pretty good. But of course, I was like "me too!" cause, I gotta be honest, I did too. He was greaaaaaaat. And I missed him. and of course wanted to see him. Soooooooo I did. I went to his house. Ahhhhhh. the feelings came all back when I saw him and I was like "great, way to fucking go Kat! what did you bring yourself into"

So he shows me his new baby, his new bike. I'm still my dorky and ditzy self. He asks if I'm sure I'm okay with what we're doing and just being causal, and I'm like "but of courseeeeee" and then he asks if he still gets kisses, as I kiss him. Ahh. LOL. And then he actually says he missed me, and I was like Fuck yes! Ha.


I know this is going to be suuuuuch a bad idea. I'll still have all the feelings and shit and he'll get his sex. But we didn't just jump in his bed and get it on when I got there. We sat on his couch and watched tv a little, and cuddled and kissed and it was like nothing ever happened. Like nothing had changed at all. But it has. Everything's changed.

This will be really fucking hard for me to try to keep my feelings away and just keep it casual. I guess there's nothing wrong with casual dating and sex, but I do want a relationship.... I was on eHarmony for a reason.
Oh speaking of eHarmony... the guy I last met off there Ash, yeah I think I'm just his bootycall. Great.
I seriously don't know why or how I keep getting myself into this situation!!


I kind of feel like screaming. I think I'll see how things go with Nick. Who knows, maybe I can make him want a relationship with me and maybe I'll realize I really don't want him.
Or maybe I just need to stay single for a while, after all, God has a plan for everyone, right?

Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy me?

Goodness. I am SO frustrated lately.
This morning I cancelled my eHarmony account. It's getting old being matched with guys I'd NEVER be interested in, or guys that would NEVER be interested in me. It's a waste of $30 a month. My coworker and good friend suggested I try the free sites again, like okCupid and Plenty of Fish. Sure, you could probably meet good guys off there, but the one I met off of POF kinda screwed me over, big time.

Meet Alex. Full of drama from his past. 26. Has a kid (but so do I, so that's not an issue with me), drama with the baby mama, definite problem with drinking and beer, and yet I saw something in him. What, I really don't know. We ended up "dating" for 5 and a half months. The whole time he was still fucking other chicks, while wanting me to be only with him. We made an agreement, I give him time and space, and sex, and he won't fuck anyone else. Yeah. That worked out well. He probably fucked everything that moves. Hah. Well, I kept giving him time and space, but he still wasn't ready for a relationship. Fast foward months, and all of a sudden he tells me he has a girlfriend because his roommate moved out and he needed help with bills and shit and I, of course, couldn't drop my life and move in with him.... yeah. That was nice.

Well, it's been almost 4 months now, and now he still calls me randomly on a weekend, or at night. Still even calls me "babe" which really bugs me. And him randomly calling me makes me think "does he miss me?" It's silly, but I honeslty started falling for him, so it took a little to get over him and him calling me randomly is like WTFFFFF. Lol.

And this new guy, I think I'm done with him. Sure, the sex is good, but that's all that there is.

School is driving me nuts. Can't wait to be done!

Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em

Men.

They drive me insane. The one thing I can't understand is why it's SO hard to just man the hell up and say "Sorry, this isn't going to work out" or "I'm not interested anymore" instead of "...." nothing. Really annoys me more than anything about them.

I seriously don't know where all the good guys went. All the guys I've been meeting are the ones that give the good ones and guys in general the bad rep of SUCKING.

I just want to be in a happy, healthy relationship for once! I'm not looking for marriage asap, but I'd like to see it happen sometime in my future. I have sex, but not the boyfriend and a close friend has the boyfriend but not the sex (plus a whole 'nother set of drama, but we won't get into that as it's her thing and it would be bad of me to write shit here). I think I just need to stop trying and looking and just let life play itself out. I even went as far as trying eHarmony, since 2 of my close friends found good guys on there. Well, I started in December. Like, the 11th. A couple days went by with no matches, or no suitable ones for me anyways. Then like the 18th or so, I was matched with Nick. We'd been emailing back and forth a little- his pics were iffy to me, so I wasn't sure if I'd be attracted to him or not. Well then we exchanged phone numbers and started texting a day or two before New Year's Eve. We decided to go on a date, since I had no plans and he didn't yet. We knew it was a little unconventional and weird having the first date and meeting on New Year's Eve, but we went with it anyways. We decided to drive separately (I decided, incase he was a total nutcase, weirdo, or if it ended up being weird and uncomforable) and then were going to see if it went well whether or not to spend the rest of the evening together. Well dinner was nice, he wasn't the hottest or cutest guy around, but he was cute enough and super sweet so that made my mind up to hang out more for the evening. We went to this old people bar... literally, all old peeps that were veterans and whatnot, since he's an ex-army dude. So, we sat there, having a few drinks getting to know each other and his friends. We're cuddling and whatnot, midnight rolls around and I FINALLY get my New Year's kiss that I had been waiting for.
First time that the new year started with a bang... or started nicely. He kept saying "This will be a great year." and things along those lines.... well speed along for 2 months, we got to know each other sorta well, spent a lot of time together, then, start of February, I got sick for a week- less time together, then he got sick the week after= even less time together. Things started getting awkward. V-day rolls around and I'm not feeling it aaaaaaat all, until he texts me saying "I've got a surprise for you." Ladies, you allll know you all get excited and giddy and wonder what it is whenever a guy says that. You get your hopes up even though you're trying not to be too crazy.. well I did. I didn't get him anything so when he said that, I felt bad, and then ended up buying him a $50 pair of Harley-Davidson leather gloves (he was a biker). I go to his house and SURPRISE. I shitty box of Russell Stover (in my opinion the crappiest chocolate there is) and a shitty teddy bear. I can't lie, I was pretty upset, but I played it off cool because he did let me borrow his car for like a month.
Well, Valentine's day ended up being the last time I actually saw him. His last words? "Sorry, I'm just going through a weird time right now."

Yeah, that was fucking lovely.

Before Nick, there was Alex.... and oh boy, was he wonderful. Dated him for 5 and a half months, waiting for him to be ready for a relationship, only to be screwed over by him telling me he has a gf. Thanks dbag.

Well, after Nick, my friends convinced me to stay on eHarmony. A month of shitty matches and I get matched with Ash. And he was pretty cute. Emailed each other back and forth, then we met, and he was definitely one of my hotter guys I've dated/whatever.
We first met exactly a week ago today, and I think it's over. Hah. Another one who just ignores texts and shit. I honestly don't know why it's SO HARD to just text back and say it's not working, instead of leaving me out, pondering what it was I did or didn't do this time. At least with him, I hadn't wasted too much of my time on him.

I'm thinking I'm done with eHarmony.... I just don't want to try or even bother anymore. It's just annoying now.

And here's a song to finish up the whole thing. "It's a man's world" Glee version.

Where to start??

Well, I've been contemplating blogging or starting a journal or something to just get my thoughts out and to vent, considering life's been pretty hectic for, well, as long as I can remember.

Where to start??
I guess with what's bothering me the most currently. Moving.
God, I hate moving. As a kid, I never really remembered much of it, since I didn't have any worries. But now? I have to do literally EVERYTHING. My family is unfortunately another family here in the States that has to deal with foreclosure. Now we're all moving into a nice apartment. Big change going from living in a house for 9 years, then moving back into an apartment. But anyways. I'm the one that has to call the stupid mortgage company (Wells Fargo can suck my ass- them and their "we're gonna help ya, oh just kidding, you didn't get approved into our program to help you cause you don't have enough money for us), then I've gotta call APS and set up an account, get renter's insurance, pack all my shit.
Not only that, but I work full-time, 40 hours a week, Monday through Friday and then also go to school on top of that, and I also have a daughter, who's 3, and help support my family.
Did I mention that I'm only 20? Yeah....

Things have been kinda craptastic lately. I feel like I've got no friends left. B and I met in 7th grade and had a strong relationship all the way through out middle school, high school, and for 1/2 of the first year of college. She became closer to another person, and I met A in one of my classes at school and she and I became very close, good friends, fast. Apparently, B was jealous of that and I was jealous of her relationship with the other person. Now we talk once every couple months, and it's always me texting first and starting the conversation. Now when we talk, it's like I don't even know her anymore.... well I really don't actually. We've both changed throughout the past year or so, but I still thought I'd have her to lean back on when times got hard. Every time I try to talk about shit that's going on with me, she ends up turning it back on herself, trying to make her shit and situation worse and harder than mine. Whatever happened to just listening and giving advice? Crying til we laughed and laughing til we cried. She doesn't even know how big of a hole is in my heart from her not being in it at all anymore, and whenever I try to get together or tell her, she's busy..... how is it that I'm the one with the kid, full time job, full time school, and everyone else is the busy one? I just wish things could be remotely close to how they used to be... now I sometimes even get annyoed talking to her because all she does is complain about this and that and all I want to do is just talk and laugh and drive around throughout the night as if we don't have any cares in the world... but I guess what hurts me the most is whenever I'm told she's busy, but then all over Facebook, she's with this friend or that one, or she's making plans with others but always busy when I ask. That's just sad. Hmph...

My other bfffff A and I don't have this issue. She's just been busy with work and her new beau in her life. They're pretty serious and spend every single day together. Hopefully I'll be the maid of honor if this day comes. And hopefully, one day I'll be able to get what they have.

I guess this post is just going to jump around and be really random. Oh well, it is my blog, after all, right?

Meh, I'll continue on another day.