Moving.

I am SO sad. I can't even begin to describe how sad I am. I hate that we have to move, and that I have to find another home for my dogs. We already found one for one of the dogs, but I have 2 more boys that need a home, and I can't find one. I wish I could take them with me, they're a part of me now, but unfortunately, certain circumstances make that impossible. I'm so ready to break down and cry. Worst part is, my little girl. She'll be so incredibly devastated to not have the puppies with her. She loves them. And it will break my heart hearing her ask "Where's Rex or Benny or Lily?" =( UGH. God, this is so shitty.

 Rex

Benny

And I am starting to regret texting Nick. I should've just not done it and tried to get over him. Now I re-opened that wound and I'm still wishing we could be together for God knows what reason, and all he wants is sex. If you're 31 years old, do you NOT want a family? A wife and kids? What does a 31 year old man want? Seriously. When we were together, it's not like we were in a relationship anyways. I brought it up ONCE, and he said "I don't want to complicate it with lables. It's going good right now." and then I dropped it. We hung out anywhere from 2 to 5 times a week. Just casual. We'd rent a movie or watch something on tv, talk a little, cuddle, sometimes have sex, and sometimes on weekends, he'd take me out to dinner or we'd go to Legion ( a bar for veterans--- lots of old peeps, he's a vet I guess, and so are some of his friends), we'd hang out with his friends. I wasn't pushing him into anything, or at least I thought I didn't. But then when he stopped talking to me, that was a big OUCH, because I fucking liked him. I didn't and still don't really know why. I wish I could describe how freaking happy I was last week when he texted me back and how quickly my heart crushed when he just said he missed the sex. And when I came over and saw him again, it was so overwhelming and full of mixed emotions, and my heart skipped a beat when he said he missed me and then kissed me. I don't know what to do anymore. =/

The other day, my dad and I went to check out the space in our new apartment, and the guy that helped us, Nick, is pretty cute. He was also the one who helped me and my mom the first time. Then my dad says "He looks nice, you need to find a guy like him and not the guys you've been finding." Thanks dad! I didn't know that myself!

I'm hoping by my birthday, I'll be in better shape. Physically. Mentally, I don't think that's going to happen any time soon unless I go trough some serious therapy, which I know will not happen. As soon as school is out, I'll be starting the HCG diet. In the past 2 years, I gained like 40 fucking pounds. I can't stand it anymore. I want to at least fit into my size 9 jeans again. The size 3-5 will probably never happen again, but to get that small for me, I know will be very unrealistic. Thankfully, the apartment has a nice gym in walking distance, as well as a pool in walking distance, so that's where I'll be spending my whole summer. I just pray to God that I can stick by the diet and prove to my mom that I can do it and I wish she was more supportive of me.


This post is pathetic. Feeling suck. As do guys. And weight. And I want some chocolate. =(